Monday, May 28, 2012

HAPPINESS is a choice

A few weeks ago I was at work and someone asked me, "Why are you ALWAYS so HAPPY? Why do you always have a smile on your face? Do you ever have a bad day? What do I need to do to be happy like you?" ... I have thought about this a lot lately and I have come to the conclusion that I am happy because I choose to be happy. I am really just an average 25 year old girl. 
I will be the first to tell you that I am not perfect and I do not have a perfect life. I do have bad days and I cry at least three times a week. Just as every person on this earth, I have trials. In fact, I am in the middle of a trial that has been pulling at my heart for over 3 years now. I hate waking up every morning, I wish I could sleep all day long. I hate doing my hair, I wish I could wear it in a bun on top of my head every single day. I hate getting my blood drawn on a daily basis on my way to work. I hate cooking dinner, I am a horrible cook. I hate working out, I wish I was naturally skinny. I hate veggies, I seriously wish I could eat Oreos and milk all day long. I hate cleaning the house, I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be in order. I hate being fancy, I wish I could wear a t-shirt and shorts all day. I hate giving myself shots every single night. I hate not having a baby and not being able to experience motherhood yet and I really hate how I get tired at 8pm every night like a grandma! 

I feel like I could be so grumpy with all of those things that I really don't like in life - but how horrible life would be! In answer to my co-workers question, I am happy because I am blessed. I am happy because  I have a husband who is my best friend. I am happy because I have a family and an in-law family that make me a better person. I am happy because I have friends who support me and I feel of their prayers. I am happy because I have a cute little house that is small, but perfect for Tyson and I! I am happy because Tyson and I both have been blessed with amazing jobs that we love and enjoy. I am happy because we have the financial means to be going on year 4 on Fertility Treatments! I am happy because I have the gospel in my life and know that the church is true. I am happy because I can pray and I know that my Heavenly Father not only hears, but answers my prayers! I am happy because I love my new camera and I love taking pictures even though I am not that good yet. I am happy because of Facebook and I love stalking people! I am happy because it is Summer and I am obsessed with the heat. I am happy because I love when I hear that song on the radio, that I can blast and just sing with all of heart. I am happy because I have the most comfortable bed. I am happy because I love my Doctor! I am happy because life is just too short to be grumpy! 

I love that my friend asked me that question. I thought it was funny that he sincerely thought that I never got angry or sad. He really thought that I never had a bad day. Seriously - we ALL have bad days. We are human and things make us angry and upset. I know that a lot of times through our trials it is REALLY hard to stay positive and not be upset. A few weeks ago when I got bad news from the doctor, I called my mom and said "Please tell me it is okay to cry!!" And she said "YES! It is okay to cry!" It is super important for us to get things off our chest and to feel sorry for ourselves every once in a while. It is healthy really. 

Thank Heavenly Father for our trials! For our trials truly make us stronger! In fact, without having those things that get us down or drive us crazy, we really wouldn't be able to experience the true joy and happiness in life because we wouldn't know the difference! 


Friday, May 25, 2012

Never Alone

I am having a hard time today figuring out what I should write. I seriously have had so many mixed emotions the past few weeks, it is hard to put my thoughts on paper. Normally when I start a post, I have an idea of what I am going to write and how I am going to present it, but honestly I am just typing away so I apologize if this ends up being a lot of information and a lot of different feelings in one post. 

Tyson and I have been so busy lately! It has been nice to have things distract my mind from our fertility treatments. I never realized how long of a process InVitro was going to be for us. I know someone who read my blog, went to Dr. Shapiro for treatments and is already pregnant - And here we are still on this crazy adventure! It is so weird that on average IVF takes a woman 2 months to get pregnant and we are on our way into month 7 with Dr. Shapiro. Don't get me wrong, time is flying! It is just frustrating sometimes to know that my process is taking much longer than the "average." I have never really been average when it comes to things like this, so I should have known this was going to be the case. All I know is I am so excited to implant and I REALLY hope that day is soon! We are shooting for August, but will definitely keep everyone posted. :) 


1. Every night at 6:55pm my alarm goes off. We call it our Booty Call alarm to make it fun - but really it means SHOT time. I have been doing daily shots for a few months now and I wish I could say I am use to it. Every time that needle goes in, I STILL have that natural instinct to flench... even though I know exactly how it feels and that it is coming. This may sound weird, but I feel like my shots have brought Tyson and I closer together. EVERY single night, we are required to be together at 7pm. No matter where we are or what is going on that day, we do my shot. It is pretty funny to see all of the random places we end up being at 7pm at night. We have done them at the bowling alley, at our friends and families houses, we have done them at our little sister and nieces dance recital and even at the temple. I am grateful that Tyson is SO brave and he doesn't mind doing it for me. There is NO way I could do it myself! I am so grateful for modern medicine. I think I say this in every post, but it is true. I know that without these shots, having a baby would not even be an option for us! What a blessing it is every night to have that medicine go into my body. 

2. I feel like when we go through trials, it is SO important to have someone by your side!! Whether it be a friend or spouse, a mom or dad, maybe a teacher or leader... someone! Tyson is literally my rock. He is constantly staying positive and doing everything in his power to make me feel better about any situation. He is probably the only person that can make me truly laugh when I am crying. He gives me the best and most meaningful hugs when he knows I need to know someone cares. He listens to my stories and my complaints. He cooks us dinner almost every night when I am not feeling well and cleans the house. You could say he is a better wife then me and I wouldn't argue! He gives me the best foot massages when I don't feel like doing anything and he somehow finds time to go to school full time and work full time. He is the perfect example for me when it comes to scripture study and he knows they are true. Because of the scriptures, we have been able to overcome what I thought was, the impossible, and I owe this to Tyson. I love that he is the man of our home and I love that if I have to go through this trial of having a baby, that I get to do it with him!
3. Tyson and I have been to the temple 2 times in one week and I cannot tell you how blessed we feel. I love the temple. I love looking at it. I love being inside it. I love the spirit that is there. I love what I learn there. I love to pray there. I have just gained a stronger testimony of the temple and I am so excited about it! I know that as we go through trials and turn to our Heavenly Father that he answers our prayers. And I know that we feel and see his answers when we are in the right places. I want to go to the temple every week now, to feel the spirit that is there and to feel my Savior's love. I love that when we go through trials, no matter what our faith is - that we are never alone! I love that we are always in His watchful care and it is mostly through our trials when He carries us. 

I am stoked to continue on with this special experience in life! I love knowing every day that we are that much closer to having a baby come into our home and for that I am so excited!! 

"I know that God is our Father, that Jesus Christ is our Redeemer, and that They have provided a way so that we need never be alone." - Sheri L. Dew 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Best Friend's Day

I had always LOVED Mother's Day growing up. I got to draw pictures, write nice cards, make pretty flowers and do special things for my mom. It was such a nice day to be able to celebrate HER and the things she did for me. 

Last May I was struggling. We had done our first round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) a few months prior and it had failed. I was having SUCH a hard time handling it. Mother's Day was a few days away and I was completely dreading it. I felt bad because it was always a holiday that I loved and I felt like I was being very selfish. This was a day that I was supposed to celebrate my amazing mom! I shouldn't worry about ME and my feelings of not being a mom, but I honestly could not help it. I felt like ALL of my friends were either pregnant or had a newborn. I felt like we had a baby shower in the office at work almost every day. I felt like every movie we went and saw had a pregnant girl or a baby being born in it. I felt like every person on Facebook would post a picture of their cute belly growing or an ultrasound of their sweet baby in their tummy. I felt like every magazine cover was of some famous person with a big pregnant belly. I couldn't stand seeing a women smoke when they had a baby bump, when I knew that I would do anything to make my baby as healthy as possible. I found myself extremely jealous and on my knees constantly in tears. I felt so alone and did not want to celebrate a day for Moms, when the only thing in life I wanted at the time was to be one and it was being withheld from me. 

On the Saturday before Mother's Day there was a knock at the door. I opened it and their laid the most beautiful roses. With the roses was a card that read: "Great things truly are worth waiting for. Happy Your my Best Friend in the Whole World Day!" I ran up the stairs and sat in Tyson's arm for a few minutes literally crying my eyes out. I had NEVER felt so loved in my life. I wasn't a mom, but I had a best friend. I had someone who cared more about me than he did about me being pregant. Don't get me wrong, Tyson wants to be a dad SO bad, but at that moment he made sure I knew that I didn't need to be a mom in order for him to love me.

From that moment, he had made a new tradition for us. Mother's Day was now Best Friends Day. It was now a day that we would celebrate each other and how grateful we are for EVERYTHING we have. Sometimes it is hard to see our blessings on a day that celebrates something we REALLY want - but because of Best Friends Day we get to see all of the many blessings that we truly have. 

I love Tyson for making me feel so special on that Mother's Day. I am SO grateful for him and for always looking out for my feelings. He truly is my Best Friend and I can not wait for him to be a dad! We both continue to strive for that day to come - and we know it will! I am grateful for my Mom, Mother in law, Grandmas, sisters, aunts, cousins and friends who are the most amazing MOMS in the world!! I love their examples and I hope I can be just like them when my turn comes to be a mom. 

Happy Mothers Day Mom!! AND Happy Best Friends Day Tyson!!