HAPPINESS is a choice

A few weeks ago I was at work and someone asked me, "Why are you ALWAYS so HAPPY? Why do you always have a smile on your face? Do you ever have a bad day? What do I need to do to be happy like you?" ... I have thought about this a lot lately and I have come to the conclusion that I am happy because I choose to be happy. I am really just an average 25 year old girl. 

I will be the first to tell you that I am not perfect and I do not have a perfect life. I do have bad days and I cry at least three times a week. Just as every person on this earth, I have trials. In fact, I am in the middle of a trial that has been pulling at my heart for over 3 years now. I hate waking up every morning, I wish I could sleep all day long. I hate doing my hair, I wish I could wear it in a bun on top of my head every single day. I hate getting my blood drawn on a daily basis on my way to work. I hate cooking dinner, I am a horrible cook. I hate working out, I wish I was naturally skinny. I hate veggies, I seriously wish I could eat Oreos and milk all day long. I hate cleaning the house, I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would be in order. I hate being fancy, I wish I could wear a t-shirt and shorts all day. I hate giving myself shots every single night. I hate not having a baby and not being able to experience motherhood yet and I really hate how I get tired at 8pm every night like a grandma! 

I feel like I could be so grumpy with all of those things that I really don't like in life - but how horrible life would be! In answer to my co-workers question, I am happy because I am blessed. I am happy because  I have a husband who is my best friend. I am happy because I have a family and an in-law family that make me a better person. I am happy because I have friends who support me and I feel of their prayers. I am happy because I have a cute little house that is small, but perfect for Tyson and I! I am happy because Tyson and I both have been blessed with amazing jobs that we love and enjoy. I am happy because we have the financial means to be going on year 4 on Fertility Treatments! I am happy because I have the gospel in my life and know that the church is true. I am happy because I can pray and I know that my Heavenly Father not only hears, but answers my prayers! I am happy because I love my new camera and I love taking pictures even though I am not that good yet. I am happy because of Facebook and I love stalking people! I am happy because it is Summer and I am obsessed with the heat. I am happy because I love when I hear that song on the radio, that I can blast and just sing with all of heart. I am happy because I have the most comfortable bed. I am happy because I love my Doctor! I am happy because life is just too short to be grumpy! 

I love that my friend asked me that question. I thought it was funny that he sincerely thought that I never got angry or sad. He really thought that I never had a bad day. Seriously - we ALL have bad days. We are human and things make us angry and upset. I know that a lot of times through our trials it is REALLY hard to stay positive and not be upset. A few weeks ago when I got bad news from the doctor, I called my mom and said "Please tell me it is okay to cry!!" And she said "YES! It is okay to cry!" It is super important for us to get things off our chest and to feel sorry for ourselves every once in a while. It is healthy really. 

Thank Heavenly Father for our trials! For our trials truly make us stronger! In fact, without having those things that get us down or drive us crazy, we really wouldn't be able to experience the true joy and happiness in life because we wouldn't know the difference! 

"LIFE IS TO BE ENJOYED, NOT ENDURED"- Gordon B. Hinckley 

Never Alone

I am having a hard time today figuring out what I should write. I seriously have had so many mixed emotions the past few weeks, it is hard to put my thoughts on paper. Normally when I start a post, I have an idea of what I am going to write and how I am going to present it, but honestly I am just typing away so I apologize if this ends up being a lot of information and a lot of different feelings in one post. 

Tyson and I have been so busy lately! It has been nice to have things distract my mind from our fertility treatments. I never realized how long of a process InVitro was going to be for us. I know someone who read my blog, went to Dr. Shapiro for treatments and is already pregnant - And here we are still on this crazy adventure! It is so weird that on average IVF takes a woman 2 months to get pregnant and we are on our way into month 7 with Dr. Shapiro. Don't get me wrong, time is flying! It is just frustrating sometimes to know that my process is taking much longer than the "average." I have never really been average when it comes to things like this, so I should have known this was going to be the case. All I know is I am so excited to implant and I REALLY hope that day is soon! We are shooting for August, but will definitely keep everyone posted. :) 

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR: 

1. Every night at 6:55pm my alarm goes off. We call it our Booty Call alarm to make it fun - but really it means SHOT time. I have been doing daily shots for a few months now and I wish I could say I am use to it. Every time that needle goes in, I STILL have that natural instinct to flench... even though I know exactly how it feels and that it is coming. This may sound weird, but I feel like my shots have brought Tyson and I closer together. EVERY single night, we are required to be together at 7pm. No matter where we are or what is going on that day, we do my shot. It is pretty funny to see all of the random places we end up being at 7pm at night. We have done them at the bowling alley, at our friends and families houses, we have done them at our little sister and nieces dance recital and even at the temple. I am grateful that Tyson is SO brave and he doesn't mind doing it for me. There is NO way I could do it myself! I am so grateful for modern medicine. I think I say this in every post, but it is true. I know that without these shots, having a baby would not even be an option for us! What a blessing it is every night to have that medicine go into my body. 

2. I feel like when we go through trials, it is SO important to have someone by your side!! Whether it be a friend or spouse, a mom or dad, maybe a teacher or leader... someone! Tyson is literally my rock. He is constantly staying positive and doing everything in his power to make me feel better about any situation. He is probably the only person that can make me truly laugh when I am crying. He gives me the best and most meaningful hugs when he knows I need to know someone cares. He listens to my stories and my complaints. He cooks us dinner almost every night when I am not feeling well and cleans the house. You could say he is a better wife then me and I wouldn't argue! He gives me the best foot massages when I don't feel like doing anything and he somehow finds time to go to school full time and work full time. He is the perfect example for me when it comes to scripture study and he knows they are true. Because of the scriptures, we have been able to overcome what I thought was, the impossible, and I owe this to Tyson. I love that he is the man of our home and I love that if I have to go through this trial of having a baby, that I get to do it with him!

3. Tyson and I have been to the temple 2 times in one week and I cannot tell you how blessed we feel. I love the temple. I love looking at it. I love being inside it. I love the spirit that is there. I love what I learn there. I love to pray there. I have just gained a stronger testimony of the temple and I am so excited about it! I know that as we go through trials and turn to our Heavenly Father that he answers our prayers. And I know that we feel and see his answers when we are in the right places. I want to go to the temple every week now, to feel the spirit that is there and to feel my Savior's love. I love that when we go through trials, no matter what our faith is - that we are never alone! I love that we are always in His watchful care and it is mostly through our trials when He carries us. 

I am stoked to continue on with this special experience in life! I love knowing every day that we are that much closer to having a baby come into our home and for that I am so excited!! 

"I know that God is our Father, that Jesus Christ is our Redeemer, and that They have provided a way so that we need never be alone." - Sheri L. Dew 

Best Friend's Day

I had always LOVED Mother's Day growing up. I got to draw pictures, write nice cards, make pretty flowers and do special things for my mom. It was such a nice day to be able to celebrate HER and the things she did for me. 

Last May I was struggling. We had done our first round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) a few months prior and it had failed. I was having SUCH a hard time handling it. Mother's Day was a few days away and I was completely dreading it. I felt bad because it was always a holiday that I loved and I felt like I was being very selfish. This was a day that I was supposed to celebrate my amazing mom! I shouldn't worry about ME and my feelings of not being a mom, but I honestly could not help it. I felt like ALL of my friends were either pregnant or had a newborn. I felt like we had a baby shower in the office at work almost every day. I felt like every movie we went and saw had a pregnant girl or a baby being born in it. I felt like every person on Facebook would post a picture of their cute belly growing or an ultrasound of their sweet baby in their tummy. I felt like every magazine cover was of some famous person with a big pregnant belly. I couldn't stand seeing a women smoke when they had a baby bump, when I knew that I would do anything to make my baby as healthy as possible. I found myself extremely jealous and on my knees constantly in tears. I felt so alone and did not want to celebrate a day for Moms, when the only thing in life I wanted at the time was to be one and it was being withheld from me. 

On the Saturday before Mother's Day there was a knock at the door. I opened it and their laid the most beautiful roses. With the roses was a card that read: "Great things truly are worth waiting for. Happy Your my Best Friend in the Whole World Day!" I ran up the stairs and sat in Tyson's arm for a few minutes literally crying my eyes out. I had NEVER felt so loved in my life. I wasn't a mom, but I had a best friend. I had someone who cared more about me than he did about me being pregant. Don't get me wrong, Tyson wants to be a dad SO bad, but at that moment he made sure I knew that I didn't need to be a mom in order for him to love me.

From that moment, he had made a new tradition for us. Mother's Day was now Best Friends Day. It was now a day that we would celebrate each other and how grateful we are for EVERYTHING we have. Sometimes it is hard to see our blessings on a day that celebrates something we REALLY want - but because of Best Friends Day we get to see all of the many blessings that we truly have. 

I love Tyson for making me feel so special on that Mother's Day. I am SO grateful for him and for always looking out for my feelings. He truly is my Best Friend and I can not wait for him to be a dad! We both continue to strive for that day to come - and we know it will! I am grateful for my Mom, Mother in law, Grandmas, sisters, aunts, cousins and friends who are the most amazing MOMS in the world!! I love their examples and I hope I can be just like them when my turn comes to be a mom. 

Happy Mothers Day Mom!! AND Happy Best Friends Day Tyson!! 

Beautiful Heartbreak

A few months ago my sister shared this music video with me and it definitely has been in a special place in my heart ever since. As I was getting ready for church today, it came on the Pandora station I was listening to and I have now been thinking about it ALL day! I got a few messages from friends yesterday that have been reading my blog and thought this song's lyrics says everything that I want to tell them, as they struggle with their trials. It has helped me and given me strength. Our struggle to have a baby really has been a beautiful heartbreak. 

I had it all mapped out in front of me, 
Knew just where I wanted to go; 
But life decided to change my plans, 
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road. 
I knew there was no way over it, 
So I searched for a way around; 
Brokenhearted I started climbin', 
And at the top I found... 
Every fear, every doubt, 
All the pain I went through; 
Was the price that I paid to see this view; 
And now that I'm here I would never trade... 
The grace that I feel, 
And the faith that I find; 
Through the bitter-sweet tears, 
And the sleepless nights; 
I used to pray he'd take it all away, 
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 
I never dreamed my heart would make it, 
I thought about turning around; 
But heaven has shown me miracles, 
I never would have seen from the ground. 
Now I take the rain with the sunshine, 
Cause there's one thing that I know; 
He picks up the pieces, 
Along each broken road. 
Every fear, every doubt, 
All the pain I went through; 
Was the price that I paid to see this view; 
And now that I'm here I would never trade... 
The grace that I feel, 
And the faith that I find; 
Through the bitter-sweet tears, 
And the sleepless nights. 
I used to pray he'd take it all away, 
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

COME WHAT MAY

Yesterday I was driving to work and I had one of those moments. That moment where something just clicks and you realize how interesting life can be. It was a moment of peace and understanding, mixed in with excitement and positivity. It changed my attitude on my situation, so I thought I would write it down so I will always remember how I am feeling right now. 

Eight years ago, I was sitting in a doctor's office with my mom. I was 17 years old and it was my Senior year of high school. I was so excited about my life. I had good friends, an amazing boyfriend, I was going to BYU for the Summer after graduation and everything was perfect in my eyes. As I sat in the doctor's office I remember talking to my mom who was comforting and preparing me for what we were about to hear. Dr. Juarez walked into the room and had an ultrasound in his hands. I had lost so much blood in a short amount of time, I was going to have to be on bed rest until my anemia levels increased. After a lot of explanations, he then proceeded to tell me, in a kind and gentle manner, that I was going to have a very difficult time having children...if at all. 

As a 17 year old, I honestly did not get that upset about it. Of course it hurt, but I KNEW with all of my heart that I was going to be a mom someday. In my 5th grade year book, next to where it says what I want to be when I grow up, it says "a MOM." This was a lifelong dream and goal of mine and no doctor was going to tell me I couldn't have babies! I stayed positive and did not let it get me down. I did not know this until yesterday, but my mom was worried. Since that day she has hoped and prayed that I would be able to have children and that I would understand that whatever happened, was Heavenly Father's plan. She didn't show her pain or nerves in front of me. Because of her positive attitude, I was positive! 

A few weeks past and my plans had changed. I almost didn't graduate from High School because I missed almost a whole month of school! It was so crazy. Then, the doctor encouraged me to stay closer to home for college and my BYU plans were cancelled. This was the first moment in my life, that I realized that my plan was not always going to be God's plan. 

Years past and I got married to my amazing boyfriend. The same boyfriend that was there for me in High School when I told him the news about my troubles in the future of having children. I wrote our story on a post a few months ago, so I will not share our whole story again, but to make a very long story short... trials came our way. What the doctor had told me when I was 17... was truly coming to pass. 

Yesterday as I was in the car, the music was playing softly and I was driving on the busy Las Vegas freeway on my way to the strip. I had something come into my heart and mind that is undescribable. For a little moment, I realized that everything that has happened in my life thus far has led me to where I am today. I would have NEVER imagined, even 2 years ago, that I would be going through InVitro Fertilization. When I heard of people doing that, it was for people who couldn't have babies on their own and was VERY expensive. I knew I would have 5 babies before I would ever even need to consider doing a procedure like that. I also just knew I would never have enough money for such an expensive and extensive process. 

And suddenly, here I was. Driving to work, coming from another doctor's appointment, with my 10 pills next to me and my injection shots in my purse. I am going through something that I would have never thought I would be going through! It is so weird how life happens. It is so weird how our plans change and its always for the better. I am grateful for my grandma pill holder and my needles for my injections and for the slight pain in my legs I am experiencing. I know that because of these things, I am going to love and appreciate our little baby so much more once it happens. I know that Heavenly Father puts us in places where we can become better. I know that even though IVF was NOT even an option for Tyson and I in our minds two years ago, that things change. How awesome to know that we are being watched over by a Heavenly Father that loves us so much! I am so excited to continue on with my journey and to see what else happens in my life. I am assuming it will be a lot different than I have planned... and I can't wait! 

"Come what may, and love it!" - ELDER JOSEPH B. WIRTHLIN

A little UPDATE!

Time is flying by SO quickly! I cannot believe that it is already the end of March! We have been so busy with my sisters wedding, moving and work that I didn't even realize I hadn't blogged for a few weeks! Lexie's wedding was absolutely beautiful. I am so excited she is a married lady and that she gets to spend forever with Jonathan Fred. We love Jon and I am so excited he is my bro now! It was the windiest day of my life, but it made for amazing memories! It was so fun to have all of my family together and to celebrate their special day!

We found the cutest little house ever and we are spending a lot of our time packing! We officially move in next Saturday so our house is full of boxes, scissors and packaging tape. We have heard nothing but good things about the area and ward. We are so excited for our new adventure! This will be our 4th time moving in 4 years, so we are hoping this new place will be our official home for a few years. :)

I chopped off my hair for Locks of Love, an organization that makes wigs for cancer patients. I cut 12 inches off and donated about 9. Seriously, it is such a fun thing to do! It is hard to get use to short hair, but I think it is growing on me. Last time I chopped it off like this, I grew it out pretty quickly. It was super random - one morning I just woke up ready for a change! I am not sure why or what had gotten into me, but I needed to do it. Someone said I may have felt that way because of all this crazy baby stuff going on - and I think I agree with her! Cutting my hair was a way I was able to serve someone I didn't know AND to start fresh! I am excited to have a new haircut, in a new ward, with a new house and to start the process of implantation in a few months!!

It seemed like I was getting bad news after bad news with Dr. Shapiro. I really felt like I NEEDED some good news, and thankfully it came the past few weeks. We are SO blessed!

1. I do not have a tumor! My levels are so high still, so I could be prone to get a tumor in the future, but at this time they didn't see anything. It was such a relief and we feel so blessed. I have several more tests planned to see what might be causing the level imbalance, but the MRI coming back negative was a huge relief.

2. My surgery 2 weeks ago was flawless! Recovery was a million times better than last time. They were able to remove 2 cysts from my uterus and everything is heeling properly. I was nervous about being put under again since last time it went so horribly, but it went so well and I was able to go to work the NEXT day! Amazing.

3. I am super anemic still and Dr. Shapiro will not implant until my levels begin to increase. He said his goal is to have a healthy mom and a healthy baby...and without a healthy mom, there can't be a healthy baby. SO he is workin on me. I am on several vitamins already, but as of today he prescribed another for me. I met with him yesterday in his office and we went through everything thus far. He was so surprised with everything that we have had to go through. He mentioned the fact that when I walked into his office for the first time, I looked like a healthy, easy-to-get pregnant girl... but I tricked him. He agreed with me that so many things have popped up and advised me that all he is trying to do is get me to be healthy. Pregnancy takes a toll on people's bodies and he doesn't want me to begin the pregnancy sick, because the baby will either not make it or I would be on bed rest for 8 months. Both of those situations do NOT sound appealing, so I told him I will continue to have patience and will wait until he thinks my body is good to go! It will definitely be a few more months until implantation, but hey! We have 30 little babies in the freezer waiting for us, so I feel good!

4. My anemia was so bad, that my kidney's started to become effected by it. Not enough blood was getting to them so they were slowing down. Luckily, after a few pills - my kidney function increased and they are good!

The process continues, but we still feel like we are being watched over so carefully. I am grateful that the doctor is being so cautious and waiting until I am 100% healthy before he implants. It of course is discouraging and frustrating, but I would much rather wait and have the most perfect and healthy baby, then just jump into it and not be sure what is to come.

I was talking to a friend the other day who is going through a trial...much worse than mine. Her positive attitude and testimony strengthened me so much. We cried together about what she is going through and as I walked away, I stood alone for a minute thinking about her. I realized that Heavenly Father does not give us any trial that we cannot go through. I know that I am going through this because He knows that I can handle it and she is going through her trial, because He knows she can handle it. I am SO lucky to have so many amazing people in my life!! I love you... you know who you are :)

"With celestial sight, trials impossible to change become possible to endure."

--Russell M. Nelson,

MRI - check!

On Saturday morning, we woke up early to get over to Steinberg Diagnostic Medical Imaging Center for my first, but most likely not last MRI. We checked in at the Front Desk where we filled out paperwork, just like every other doctor's office. We only had to wait a few minutes until they called us back. They gave me a REALLY cute hospital gown and told me to put it on. I got my own little locker and got dressed. We then waited in another waiting room for about 10 minutes and they called me in. They had Tyson wait for me in the waiting room, but I thought I was only going to be gone for a few minutes so I didn't think anything of it. NOTHING could have prepared me for what was about to happen.

I walked into the room and it had a HUGE MRI machine. It was weird that I was so surprised by the look of it. It looked JUST like the machines do in the movies! I think I was imagining just going in and having something go around my head, like an x-ray when you get braces. I did not expect to see a full body, huge massive machine. That is SO intimidating!

They layed me down and put this really weird machine over my head. It connected to the side of my head and went over my face. They told me I had to hold completely still throughout the procedure. Like I said...I thought it would be five minutes. NO - I was wrong. It was 30 minutes! That is a REALLY long time to hold your head in one position. They put me in the machine head first, and left my legs out. I had headphones BLASTING music, but I could still hear the loud pounding sounds the machine was making. I can't imagine how loud they were if I took my headphones out of my ears! It was crazy!

About half way through the procedure, she pulled me out and put three shots into my arm. This is to send something up to my brain so they could see the brain with contrast. I didn't mind being pulled out half way through - I think it helped actually. I was going crazy in there! I felt like my brain was playing tricks on me and that I was spinning around in circles. I had to open my eyes every now and then just to make sure I was still alive! :) I hope I don't sound crazy and all of you people who have to get this done before, can agree with me!

When it was over, I told the lady I hope I NEVER have to do that again! She said I most likely will, but I should ask if I can have a pill or something before so I am a little drowsy. I think that is a pretty good idea!! To celebrate surviving, we stopped by the gas station and got donuts and chocolate milk... my fav! It was exactly what I needed!

Now we just wait for the results! We just need to know how big the tumor is so we know if a pill will cure it or if brain surgery is on the horizon. I have mixed feelings about both - but I know whatever happens, is a part of Heavenly Father's plan for me!

“The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments.”

― Dieter F. Uchtdorf