Beautiful Heartbreak

A few months ago my sister shared this music video with me and it definitely has been in a special place in my heart ever since. As I was getting ready for church today, it came on the Pandora station I was listening to and I have now been thinking about it ALL day! I got a few messages from friends yesterday that have been reading my blog and thought this song's lyrics says everything that I want to tell them, as they struggle with their trials. It has helped me and given me strength. Our struggle to have a baby really has been a beautiful heartbreak. 

I had it all mapped out in front of me, 
Knew just where I wanted to go; 
But life decided to change my plans, 
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road. 
I knew there was no way over it, 
So I searched for a way around; 
Brokenhearted I started climbin', 
And at the top I found... 
Every fear, every doubt, 
All the pain I went through; 
Was the price that I paid to see this view; 
And now that I'm here I would never trade... 
The grace that I feel, 
And the faith that I find; 
Through the bitter-sweet tears, 
And the sleepless nights; 
I used to pray he'd take it all away, 
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 
I never dreamed my heart would make it, 
I thought about turning around; 
But heaven has shown me miracles, 
I never would have seen from the ground. 
Now I take the rain with the sunshine, 
Cause there's one thing that I know; 
He picks up the pieces, 
Along each broken road. 
Every fear, every doubt, 
All the pain I went through; 
Was the price that I paid to see this view; 
And now that I'm here I would never trade... 
The grace that I feel, 
And the faith that I find; 
Through the bitter-sweet tears, 
And the sleepless nights. 
I used to pray he'd take it all away, 
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

COME WHAT MAY

Yesterday I was driving to work and I had one of those moments. That moment where something just clicks and you realize how interesting life can be. It was a moment of peace and understanding, mixed in with excitement and positivity. It changed my attitude on my situation, so I thought I would write it down so I will always remember how I am feeling right now. 

Eight years ago, I was sitting in a doctor's office with my mom. I was 17 years old and it was my Senior year of high school. I was so excited about my life. I had good friends, an amazing boyfriend, I was going to BYU for the Summer after graduation and everything was perfect in my eyes. As I sat in the doctor's office I remember talking to my mom who was comforting and preparing me for what we were about to hear. Dr. Juarez walked into the room and had an ultrasound in his hands. I had lost so much blood in a short amount of time, I was going to have to be on bed rest until my anemia levels increased. After a lot of explanations, he then proceeded to tell me, in a kind and gentle manner, that I was going to have a very difficult time having children...if at all. 

As a 17 year old, I honestly did not get that upset about it. Of course it hurt, but I KNEW with all of my heart that I was going to be a mom someday. In my 5th grade year book, next to where it says what I want to be when I grow up, it says "a MOM." This was a lifelong dream and goal of mine and no doctor was going to tell me I couldn't have babies! I stayed positive and did not let it get me down. I did not know this until yesterday, but my mom was worried. Since that day she has hoped and prayed that I would be able to have children and that I would understand that whatever happened, was Heavenly Father's plan. She didn't show her pain or nerves in front of me. Because of her positive attitude, I was positive! 

A few weeks past and my plans had changed. I almost didn't graduate from High School because I missed almost a whole month of school! It was so crazy. Then, the doctor encouraged me to stay closer to home for college and my BYU plans were cancelled. This was the first moment in my life, that I realized that my plan was not always going to be God's plan. 

Years past and I got married to my amazing boyfriend. The same boyfriend that was there for me in High School when I told him the news about my troubles in the future of having children. I wrote our story on a post a few months ago, so I will not share our whole story again, but to make a very long story short... trials came our way. What the doctor had told me when I was 17... was truly coming to pass. 

Yesterday as I was in the car, the music was playing softly and I was driving on the busy Las Vegas freeway on my way to the strip. I had something come into my heart and mind that is undescribable. For a little moment, I realized that everything that has happened in my life thus far has led me to where I am today. I would have NEVER imagined, even 2 years ago, that I would be going through InVitro Fertilization. When I heard of people doing that, it was for people who couldn't have babies on their own and was VERY expensive. I knew I would have 5 babies before I would ever even need to consider doing a procedure like that. I also just knew I would never have enough money for such an expensive and extensive process. 

And suddenly, here I was. Driving to work, coming from another doctor's appointment, with my 10 pills next to me and my injection shots in my purse. I am going through something that I would have never thought I would be going through! It is so weird how life happens. It is so weird how our plans change and its always for the better. I am grateful for my grandma pill holder and my needles for my injections and for the slight pain in my legs I am experiencing. I know that because of these things, I am going to love and appreciate our little baby so much more once it happens. I know that Heavenly Father puts us in places where we can become better. I know that even though IVF was NOT even an option for Tyson and I in our minds two years ago, that things change. How awesome to know that we are being watched over by a Heavenly Father that loves us so much! I am so excited to continue on with my journey and to see what else happens in my life. I am assuming it will be a lot different than I have planned... and I can't wait! 

"Come what may, and love it!" - ELDER JOSEPH B. WIRTHLIN