Through the Good and the Bad

Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days that you just wish would have never happened. One of those days that felt like the day was never going to end. One of those days where you cry so much that your eyes burn and you can barely even see. 

It was a normal day and I was feeling totally fine! I went to work and had my morning meeting at 9am. We stand up during the meeting and after standing for about 5 minutes, I started cramping really bad. I waited until the meeting concluded and ran to the bathroom. After everything I have been through to get this baby, I am extra cautious and worry about every little feeling. I went to the bathroom and saw something I did NOT want to see. I kept calm and was able to walk back to my office without crying or freaking out. I had bled before during this pregnancy, so I have learned to stay calm. As soon as I walked into my office and saw my friend Andrea, I lost it. I called the doctor and they told me to come in immediately. I am 14 weeks and obviously, bleeding is not a great thing at this point. 

I called Tyson on my way to the doctor. I was crying so much. Memories of 3 years ago fled threw my mind of losing my baby. I was so upset and did not know what to expect. Natalie, Dr. Juarez's PA, was able to pull me in immediately. It didn't take long for her to pull the doppler out and what do you know? A healthy, strong, baby heartbeat!! I seriously wanted to lay there and listen to that beat forever. The baby was moving around and more tears fell from my eyes. My baby is okay!! I was so happy. 

It didn't take long for my attitude to change. I was super positive and so excited. Natalie told me she still wanted to do an ultrasound JUST to make sure everything else was still okay. In my mind, all I needed was a healthy baby! BUT the doctor knows better than me. I waited about an hour until the ultrasound room had an opening. 

I sat down for my ultrasound and my belly looked so big! The ultrasound tech took a few pictures of the baby and a LOT of pictures of my uterus, placenta, amniotic fluid, cervix, etc. I had a feeling something was wrong when she turned the lights on and said, "Maybe you should go wait in the waiting room. I am not sure if the doctor wants to talk to you again." I sat patiently and waited for Natalie to come and get me. She pulled me into the back and had me sit down. She shut the door and seemed nervous. She apologized for taking so long because she had to talk to the Doctor about what they had seen. Unfortunately, she showed me the pictures of my uterus and placenta and said I have 2 subchorionic hematomas. This is a fancy way of saying that I have 2 tears in my placenta and it is detaching from my uterus. As you can imagine, I was in shock. I had just heard my baby's heartbeat and saw how healthy he was moving around in there! And now she tells me my placenta is tearing. 

I asked a lot of questions and she tried to answer positively. I did not cry! I stayed strong and tried to have a clear mind to ask all of the questions I had. I learned that if these tears continue, I will go into pre-term labor and at this point, lose my baby. I have been put on bed rest for the next 4 weeks. I am only allowed to go to work and sit. I can't go grocery shopping, cook, clean, or go out. I need to lay down as much as possible. 100% on the weekends and evenings. I have a follow up ultrasound in 4 weeks and that will determine a few things. It will either correct itself and the placenta will re-grow and re-attach to my uterus, or I will be put on 100% bed rest and go to a high risk doctor for treatment to prevent pre-term labor. At this point anything is possible. It can go either way and anything can happen. I am just laying here - praying, hoping and crossing all of my fingers that it will correct itself. 

I got into the car and lost it. I cried to Tyson and my mom. I cried to my siblings and my mother in law. I cried to my boss and Andrea. I honestly don't remember the last time I was SO upset. I am so nervous! I am scared! It is so discouraging! I just kept saying, WHY me?! If there is something that can go wrong, WHY do I get it? WHY after everything I have been through to get this baby (and I do have a healthy baby!!) does something like this happen? I am going to be SO upset if this baby doesn't make it because of MY body. I was so frustrated and just keep crying! 

I have now had 24 hours to calm down and really think about this situation. I am so blessed to have a husband who holds the priesthood and was able to give me a blessing with my brother in law, Jon. In the blessing, he blessed me to know that my Heavenly Father loves me and to always remember that no matter what happens, good or bad. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I knew that this pregnancy wasn't going to be perfect, but I knew it was going to be worth the try. Every day is a true miracle when it comes to this baby. I love every time I see my growing belly. I love every little twinge I feel, knowing the baby is growing. I love hearing that heart beat so strong. I love knowing that this baby is mine forever! I already love him/her so so much. 

I am grateful for bad days. I feel like it really makes us appreciate the good days! I am grateful that through our trials, we can always turn to God. He is always there and he hears all of our prayers. He knows of mine and Tyson's desire to become parents and I know we will be blessed. I pray constantly that this baby will continue to be healthy and that my placenta will re-attach quickly. We are so blessed! Tyson and I are so grateful to be pregnant! After almost 4 years of not even being pregnant, this is a true miracle! Even though there are some bumps, I know we will get through them! As Tyson says, "At least we have each other...and that is all I need!" 

I hope that as everyone continues on with their trials that you all will remember that Heavenly Father loves you, no matter what happens, through the good and the bad!

"Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you." - DIETER F. UCHTDORF